


Sunflower in a Shadow

by NorthwesternInsanity



Category: Def Leppard, Music RPF
Genre: Alcoholism, Angst, Criticism, Depression, Deterioration, Drama, Drifting Apart, Drugs, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fear, Gen, Heartache, Loss, Sadness, Self esteem trouble, inadequacy, need for approval, tragic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-26 05:24:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12052233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NorthwesternInsanity/pseuds/NorthwesternInsanity
Summary: "But there's a shadow of doubt over him all the time, shielding him from the light he needs to keep from wilting again. The only rays that can fully penetrate it is the approval of his old man. And he just won't ever get it."  Phil Collen ponders Steve's deterioration and tries to come to terms that nobody can truly comfort him.





	Sunflower in a Shadow

It pains me -it pains _us_ -to see him in this state.

Steve has always been so painfully shy, and has always had his moments where he struggles with confidence and feeling adequate, but as time passes, it gets so much worse.

He really started to deteriorate during the making of Hysteria, when Rick was in recovery and the future was so uncertain. We were really thinking once things started climbing in the charts with the release of Sugar that he would stop his self-abusive thought process that he'll never be good enough and that he can't do anything right.

But he hasn't. And it's not because he's not proud of the music we've made together, or that he doesn't realize that Hysteria is the biggest hit we've had.

It's because he just wants to hear that recognition from his old man, and he's never going to get it. Because Barrie Clark will tell everyone else all day that he's proud of Steve's work, but whenever Steve is around, all he does is spew criticism about the things that Steve hasn't done perfectly. And Steve is so shy, caring, and loving that he doesn't have the guts to tell his old man how much that hurts, or to stop looking for his approval and get over it. I don't think Barrie Clark has ever shown the love that Steve has for him, and he definitely doesn't deserve it from Steve.

He seems so scared now... And I think it's because he still hasn't done enough to earn that approval, with this huge monster that Hysteria is -and he's afraid, because he knows we can't ever beat it -do better than it. And the criticism is just going to get worse because he doesn't think he can ever match up to it.

He started drinking more, retreating into himself. He's always been so thin and scrawny, but he's lost a lot more weight now. His upper arms are thinner than his forearms now because he's not eating properly, he's throwing up whatever he does it due to the alcohol he's consuming, and he's using drugs, to try and mute his fears. He's deathly pale most of the time, with dark circles under sunken eyes, wilting on himself like a sunflower placed under a dark shadow.

I saw how dangerous our habits were getting, and I swore off alcohol, knowing if it continued, one of us would get hurt. But, he still just can't get away from it and put the bottle down, and I think he's scared because he thinks that I, his closest brother in this band, is drifting away from him.

Sav was at my house, working on some idea he came up with and wrote down for me to see, and we got a call an hour ago that he had sneaked out again, and we had to go drive down there and get him.

I'm driving, and I feel so cruel, because I should be the one sitting in the back of the car with him comforting him, and letting him know that we're not going to abandon him for his actions, and that we're not mad at him. But I'm not, because I was told I have to make it clear it's not okay, and I can't encourage it. We may be the terror twins, but this terror is too much for either of us -it's killing him and tearing me up inside.

And he's huddled against the door of the car covering his face with his arm as if the glare from the street lights is attacking him, and crying his eyes out because he knows he's disappointed me. Sav is trying to get him to calm down and talk about why he sneaked out this time, and he's falling into Sav, hugging him, telling him how much he loves him and the rest of us, because he's so scared that we'll stop caring for him the same way his father does because he acted less than perfectly.

"Steve... We love you too mate, all of us. Just calm down mate, we're not mad at you. We just want you to get better, and we know it's hard, but you scare us when you do this." Sav tries to let him know this. He really is the quiet one in this band who plays mediator in everything -getting us all to talk out our problems and making sure we don't implode under pressure.

"I-I w-won't do it a-a-again, Sav... P-please... D-don't b-be up-upset w-with me." Of course, we all know he will do it again, because at some point, whatever drives him to do it will overtake him and be too much. God, he's pitiful right now though, struggling to speak between spasmodic, hiccuping gasps and sobs. He really doesn't want to do it again and let us down.

"W-we're not upset with you mate, I said it, we're just worried for you. You're our brother -we don't want you to get h-hurt." Sav is choking up, trying to calm him down, and I keep focusing on the road, because if I don't, I'll cry, and that will really upset Steve worse than anything else.

He's just a wilted sunflower that we can't bring back to health. We give him all the love, support, and friendship we can give him. We make sure he knows we approve of the talent he provides, and that we're grateful for it. He's rooted in the most supportive ground that can nurture him. Even the fans are there, to provide a ray of sunshine for him onstage, and that's when he perks up and blooms, showing just how impressive he can be.

But there's a shadow of doubt over him all the time, shielding him from the light he needs to keep from wilting again. The only rays that can fully penetrate it is the approval of his old man.

And he just won't ever get it.

**Author's Note:**

> Another old work I'm putting on here too.


End file.
